Liberty City Police-Brutaly Incompetent? Or Incompetently Brutal?

by Gravity, in Games: Grand Theft Auto 4 (1 Comment)

-= TGE CRIME BUREAU =-

Liberty City- With the city in what has been called the worst crime wave since Italians showed up in America, concerned citizens are outraged at the response, or lack there of, from LCPD. Ongoing gun battles, car chases, murders, gang activity, and an overall atmosphere of violence has pervaded over the past couple of months. TGE field reporters obtained an exclusive interview with a prominent citizen of Liberty City. A fresh new face to Liberty City recently moved from Dallas, Debbie (shown here) works the late night shift.

Nervously sucking a red lollipop, Debbie had this to say, “Ya know, its used to be a respectable neighborhood. I would get a few dock workers, maybe some gang bangers, but now its just complete chaos. I’ve been carjacked a dozen times, run over more than I can count, and shot at twice this week alone. It’s gettin’ so a working girl can’t earn a upclass living anymore…… say you boys wanna licky sticky boom boom? 25 bones for a lolipop, 75 bones for a pony ride, and for 300 I will ride ya all…… hello? Where are you going…… CHINGA TU MADRE PUTO!!!!” Clearly fame has not been good for this young starlet.

Recently used in Liberty City’s promotional campaign and paid with a year supply of lollipops, Debbie has fallen on hard times. This crime surge started inexplicably on April 28th at midnight. Psychologists have theorized it may have been Liberty City’s aggressive ad campaign that attracted the “wrong element”. Ads such as
have come under fire for the kind of people they attract. According to the feed news site….

We have a feeling we’ll be writing hundreds of stories that are variations of the following, so we’ll present today’s in the form of a MadLib:

___________, has issued a stern warning to _________ about the dangers of Grand Theft Auto IV. According to _______, the M-rated game ____________. Rockstar games, the company behind GTA 4 ____________. Parents were advised to ____________________.

In this case:
1) California Sen. Leland Yee
2) parents
3) Yee
4) glorifies violence
5) deceives the public about the content in their games
6) avoid buying this for their children

As you can see, Liberty City has become the cesspool of America. But what is LCPD doing about this surge in violent crime? More than 960,000 civilians have been killed since April 28th, more than 1/10 of the population of Liberty City. In addition more than 123,000 cars have been stolen or destroyed in that time. Many of these stolen vehicles are then driven illegally on sidewalks killing hundreds, or used in additional criminal activities.

According to public records, drug trafficking and prostitution are also up by 8000%. One local madam had this to say,”Look, I’m an honest hoe, and all my hoes is honest. But I was shot at 13 times on the way to work, and twice by cops. I don’t want no trouble and I ain’t lookin’ for no trouble, just give me some hoes to run and an alley to scream in and I’m happy, This shit is ridiculous.”

Most citizens blame the LCPD directly for this increase in criminal activity, claiming extremely lax procedures that do nothing to stop criminals. To test this theory, tge reporter “Solace” went undercover as a criminal to investigate. Apparently after stealing four cars and shooting out the window with his shotgun he finally attracted enough attention to be arrested. Apart from a few tense moments in the shower involving a large purple “weapon”, he was released after the officers took 10% of his money and all of his weapons.

Public outrage to this is reaching riot status as this is obviously not enough in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenades can be located under the globe at the old World’s Fair. “The police just let them go, and twenty minutes later the same cops are shooting the same criminal from a helicopter… IT’S LIKE IT’S A FUCKING GAME OR SOMETHING!” Solace had to say of his experience. “It almost reminds me of a few years back in Liberty City where the police, FBI, or even the Army would kill hundreds just to catch one nut on a killing spree.” he further stated.

A local doctor who wanted to simply be called “Wolf” had a different theory. “With the incredible medical breakthroughs of the last decade, we can virtually eliminate death from bullet wounds, explosions, and falling in a select percentage of the population. Having something to do with Quantum Mechanics and Jerry Springer, the only people that are “virtually” guaranteed to live have been criminals. Until we figure this piece of the puzzle out, we take enough cash to pay for our yachts, take their weapons, and put them on the street. We call it the catch and release program, it’s put all my kids through acting classes!!!”

In an anonymous tip tge reporters discovered that over 80% of criminals get away by simply repainting their car in one of the many chop shops around town. Apparently LCPD doesn’t look for license plates, merely the color of a car. To add insult to injury, criminals have also told this reporter that simply going home and sleeping for six hours will eliminate all pursuit from the cops.

However, one brave LCPD officer came out of the closet to tell our reporters that it is really a lack of proper equipment. “Because of safety concerns we are only allowed to pursue a suspect in a small half centimeter circle on our radar screen. If those tree hugging dirt worshipers would allow us to pursue across the map our results would improve dramatically. Its not like we are not suffering too, over 850,000 officers have died in the line of duty protecting idiots just like you.”

Clearly not the popular opinion as most of Liberty City’s populace has an all time low confidence in the LCPD. In fact this reporter witnessed a car jacking on the way to work today involving……

I found this today at my friends house.  Apparently he was working freelance and was caught in a gang shootout outside his home.  The neighborhood starting flashing on his mini map and several gay gang members showed up to take the territory.  I just hope he was dead before they put him in that position… I still have nightmares.