Assassin’s Creed, an Adventure


I have spent the good past hour trying unsuccessfully to unlock the final viewpoint in some area with a lot of boats. I have no idea where this area is nor does it matter because all the buildings look identical and all the objectives are the same.

Attempt 1: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, run run run, kill a rooftop guard, jump jump jump, fall down onto about six Big Guards speaking as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, fail to parry parry parry, and die.

Attempt 2: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, run run run run, kill a rooftop guard by a gate, try to jump sneakily over but get seen by Big Guards who speak as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, fail to parry parry parry, and die.

Attempt 3: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, trying to go for stealth this time so run run run, fall off one- two- three stories because I have yet to master the Grab skill, land in a bunch of people but find a better route through a different gate lacking guards, get spotted anyway by Big Guards who speak as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, fail to parry parry parry, and die.

Attempt 4: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, trying to follow that same rooftop path to the unguarded gate but failing miserably because every. time. I. jump. I. go. off. into. a. different. direction. and fall three stories but make it through the gate after spending a long time navigating streets, successfully weaving through the Big Guards who speak as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, jump onto a boat, jump on another boat, jump jump jump ninja-like on pilings in the water, get to the last piling and though I press forward, jump diagonally into the water one foot away from my objective and drown.

Attempt 5: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, trying to follow that same rooftop path to the unguarded gate but failing miserably because every. time. I. jump. I. go. off. into. a. different. direction. but make it to the gate after spending a long time navigating streets but get walked into by one of the many men carefully cradling empty boxes, alerting a ton of Big Guards who speak as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, fail to parry parry parry, and die.

Attempt 6: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, trying to follow that same rooftop path to the unguarded gate but failing miserably, ending up by a rooftop guard which I kill because at this point I am reasonably pissed, who then procceeds to fall three stories and alert every fucking guard in the city who can parkour just as well as, if not better than me, negating the coolness of my running, jumping, climbing trees ability, fail to parry parry parry, get thrown off a building and die.

Attempt 7: Climb up and out of the Assassin’s Guild hole, following the same rooftop path to the unguarded gate, successfully weaving through the beggar women, the many men carefully cradling empty boxes, and the Big Guards who speak as if they have hairballs stuck in their throats, all the way to the end of the pier in preparation to start jumping boats, but then fail to see the crazy man who then shoves me, unfortunately, off the pier and into the water. I die.

This pretty much sums up my experience with Assassin’s Creed. It may be easier with a walkthrough but I probably shouldn’t be playing this game in the first place, being a poor console player in addition to sucking at platformers. And while the parkour element is what drew me to the game in the first place, the fact that assassins are not the only ones with the ability and the loose game controls are a major turn off, one that may stop me from completing the game as close as I may be to the end.

And also yes, I know the game has been out forever, shut up, I’m slow.

EDIT: I finally beat it! How? Why, by sprinting full bore through crowds and past guards before they could activate, of course. Very assassin-like.

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